Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
