I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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