I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
