dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
