Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
