Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
