His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
