I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
