i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
