if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize