Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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