He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize