Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
