I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
That accounts for only three of the penises
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
