before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
