i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize