he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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