I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
