I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
