There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
