idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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