I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
