Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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