Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
