fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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