im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she told me i tasted like america
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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