I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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