I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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