i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
