She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
we're making bets on your personal life
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
