??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
