He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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