the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
