i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
