The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize