So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
