I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
