I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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