Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
