I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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