Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
