Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
