Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
