the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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