If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
