Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
