I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
