i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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