with your own penis?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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