I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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