My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
