Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
