dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just sent this text using only my big toe
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
