Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
