Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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