you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
